I've Been Married 10 Months and Still Haven't Had Sex with My Husband: What Now?

You never imagined you’d find yourself here. Ten months into marriage and still, sex hasn’t happened. You might feel like you’re living in some sort of strange limbo, stuck between the expectations of what marriage "should be" and the reality that you’re facing every day. It's hard not to feel like you're failing at something that was supposed to come naturally.

Table of Contents

• Navigating Low Desire: Is It Vaginismus or Something More?

• Feeling Stuck In A Lose-Lose Circumstance (And How to Break Free)

• How Do You Move Forward When You Don’t Feel Ready?

Navigating Low Desire: Is It Vaginismus or Something More?

It’s easy to start blaming yourself. Maybe you’ve wondered if it’s vaginismus, a condition that can make intercourse painful or impossible. Or maybe it’s more complicated—like compounded low desire, tangled up in your husband's growing frustration and impatience. You feel caught in a cycle where every attempt to be close feels like a test you’re destined to fail.

But what if, instead of diagnosing yourself, you considered that your body might be holding important truths about what you want or don’t want right now? Maybe the issue isn’t just the physical aspect, but also the emotional weight of feeling pressured to change, to “perform,” to make everything better.

Feeling Stuck In A Lose-Lose Circumstance (And How to Break Free)

It's normal to feel stuck between two choices:

• Do you push yourself to have sex, even though the desire isn’t there?

• Or do you continue to wait, hoping things will change on their own?

Neither option feels particularly satisfying, and it’s easy to feel like you’re caught in a lose-lose situation.

But what if there’s a third way.

Choosing this third way could mean taking small, intentional steps that feel manageable. Instead of seeing sex as a mountain you must climb all at once, you break it down into moments of connection that build trust and safety. You might say, “Tonight, can we just hold each other and see how that feels? I want to be close to you, but I need to move at my own pace.”

It’s about allowing yourself to feel your feelings without judgment.

You might think, “I want to want this, but right now, I don’t. And that’s okay. I’m going to give myself permission to be where I am, without needing to force myself to be somewhere else.”

Choosing this path also involves being honest with your husband about what you’re experiencing—not just the physical discomfort but the emotional layers too. You might tell him, “I feel pressured, and it makes me withdraw more. But I also want to work on this with you in a way that feels safe for both of us.” You acknowledge his feelings without making them your burden to fix.

How Do You Move Forward When You Don’t Feel Ready?

Moving forward doesn’t necessarily mean jumping straight into sex. It might begin with honest conversations—not just with your husband, but with yourself. Can you be brave enough to stand on your own two feet and say, “I’m not ready, and that’s okay”? This isn’t about rejecting your husband's needs; it's about creating a space where both of your needs can coexist.

But there’s also a part of you that wonders, “Do I need to push myself, in a healthy way, to look more closely at what’s happening here?” You start to ask, “Why is this so triggering for me? Why do I go into an alarmed state at the thought of intimacy?” These are hard questions, but they’re important.

You begin to consider what safety would look like for you. Would it mean feeling more in control, having more time to build trust, or finding new ways to communicate what you’re feeling? Maybe it’s about understanding what your body is trying to tell you—why it feels so anxious and what it needs to feel calm and secure.

You think, “How can I create more buffer in my life so I feel less anxious and more at ease—not just in this area, but in all areas of my life?” This might mean setting boundaries, finding ways to relax, or seeking support from a therapist or coach who understands what you’re going through. It could be as simple as taking small steps each day to build confidence, or as deep as challenging old beliefs that have made you feel stuck.

You realise that growth isn’t about forcing yourself to be ready when you’re not; it’s about understanding why you feel the way you do and giving yourself the grace to move forward at your own pace. It’s about finding safety within yourself first, so you can begin to explore intimacy without fear. And perhaps, in doing so, you find a new way to connect with your husband that feels true, loving, and uniquely yours.

What If the Key Is Not Fixing, But Growing?

There’s a temptation to think this situation needs to be “fixed” immediately. But what if you are right where you need to be to face what’s showing up for you in your relationship.

But what if the answer lies in growth—both individually and as a couple? What if, instead of running from these struggles, you leaned into them?

As you stop avoiding or suppressing what feels uncomfortable and instead use these feelings as fuel for growth, you begin to tap into a new level of authenticity. You start to see that the things you once viewed as roadblocks are actually doorways—opportunities to build a deeper, more meaningful relationship with yourself and your husband.

And here’s the thing about growth: it doesn’t have to be slow or linear.

Sometimes, a shift in perspective can create exponential change almost instantly. When you choose to face what scares you, even just a little, you may find that your growth accelerates in ways you never imagined. Suddenly, what felt like a stagnant situation becomes fluid, dynamic, alive with possibilities. You realise that by choosing to grow, to face your fears and stand on your own two feet, you’re creating space for both of you to evolve—together and individually—into something far richer than you could have anticipated.

Finding a Path to Connection

So, where do you go from here? I think it’s fair to start by recognising that this is a complex issue without easy answers. But as you lean into the discomfort and the challenges, I believe you will find solutions appear for you spontaneously in unexpected places.

You may need to speak with a particular person about the issue, try a new innovative medical solution, address a health-related aspect you’ve been ignoring, change jobs, or something else that seems totally unrelated but is exactly what needs to shift and change for you to access breakthrough in your intimate relationship with your husband.

Your journey might not look like anyone else’s, but that doesn’t make it any less valid or worthy of respect.

There is a way forward, and it starts with honouring where you are now, without shame, without rushing, and with a willingness to grow—together.