How to Create Deep Emotional Connection with a Man
If you’re yearning for a deeper emotional connection with your partner, you’re not alone. Many of us long for that closeness where we feel seen, valued, and truly connected with the man we love.
But often, we approach intimacy in ways that unintentionally hold us back.
We might be used to relying on what’s called Other-Validated Intimacy—seeking reassurance, affection, or approval from our partner to feel secure and loved. It’s understandable. It’s what most of us learned from childhood and carried into our adult relationships. But if you find yourself still feeling distant or disconnected, it might be time to explore a new way forward: Self-Validated Intimacy.
Table of Contents
What is Other-Validated Intimacy?
Why We Start with Other-Validated Intimacy
The Shift to Self-Validated Intimacy
Embracing Self-Validated Intimacy
Why Self-Validated Intimacy Leads to Deeper Connection
The Spectrum of Intimacy
The Path to Emotional Depth
Final Thoughts
What is Other-Validated Intimacy?
From the moment we are born, we learn to seek comfort and validation outside ourselves. As children, our sense of worth is shaped by the reactions of those around us. A smile from a parent tells us we're good; a frown makes us feel we've done something wrong. Naturally, we bring these habits into our adult relationships, where we look to our partner to reassure us that we are loved, worthy, and safe.
This is the essence of Other-Validated Intimacy. It’s the habit of measuring your value through your partner’s responses—his words, his actions, his affections. If he is attentive, you feel valued; if he is distant, you might feel anxious or unsure. Many women spend years in this mode without even realising it, thinking this is just what love looks like. And while this approach is normal and often necessary in the early stages of a relationship, it can start to feel like you're always on shaky ground, always needing your partner to make you feel okay.
Why We Start with Other-Validated Intimacy
It’s natural to start with Other-Validated Intimacy because it’s what we know. It feels safe to seek validation from our partner. And in many ways, it’s how we’re wired as humans—to connect, to be seen, to feel loved. In the beginning, this type of intimacy can feel fulfilling because it’s often new and exciting. Your partner’s attention and affection can feel like proof of your worthiness and desirability.
But over time, relying too much on Other-Validated Intimacy can create a dynamic where your emotional state depends heavily on how your partner behaves. If he’s distant or distracted, it can feel like a blow to your self-esteem. And if you’ve been feeling this way, you might start to wonder if there’s a deeper level of connection you’re missing.
The Shift to Self-Validated Intimacy
This is where Self-Validated Intimacy comes in. It’s not about being independent to the point of not caring or pretending you don’t need your partner. That’s just avoidant attachment in disguise. Self-Validated Intimacy is about finding a flexible middle ground where you can lean in and depend on your partner sometimes but also lean back and find security within yourself when needed. It’s the path to a deeper emotional connection because it allows you to show up as your true self, not someone constantly needing reassurance.
Self-Validated Intimacy is about recognising your own worth and bringing your authentic self into the relationship. It’s understanding that your feelings are valid, regardless of how your partner responds. It’s about being okay whether he’s emotionally available or not, because your sense of self doesn’t hinge on his behaviour.
Embracing Self-Validated Intimacy
So, how can you begin to practice Self-Validated Intimacy with your partner?
Acknowledge Your Needs Without Expecting Validation: You might need more closeness, more time, or more understanding. It's okay to express those needs, but try to let go of the expectation that he must meet them perfectly for you to feel loved.
How You Could Speak To Yourself: "I’m feeling a need for more closeness right now, and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean something is wrong with our relationship or with me. It’s natural to crave connection, and I can offer myself some comfort in knowing that this feeling will ebb and flow."
How You Could Speak To Your Man: "I’ve been noticing lately that I really miss spending time with you, just the two of us. I’d love for us to find a moment to connect. I’m not expecting it to happen right away, but I wanted to share what’s been on my heart."
Learn to Self-Soothe: When you feel anxious or insecure, instead of immediately seeking reassurance from him, try grounding techniques, deep breathing, or reminding yourself of your own strength and value.
How You Could Speak To Yourself: "It’s normal to feel anxious sometimes, especially when I’m unsure about how he’s feeling. I am strong, I am whole, and I don’t need to fix this feeling right away. I can breathe through it and remind myself that I am enough."
How You Could Speak To Your Man: "I’ve been feeling a little anxious lately, and I realise that it’s not something you need to solve. I’m working on finding ways to calm myself and be okay, no matter what. I just wanted to share that with you because I know you care."
Be Honest About Your Feelings: Share your authentic feelings without hiding or sugar-coating them, but also without expecting a specific response. Expressing vulnerability from a place of inner security invites deeper connection.
How You Could Speak To Yourself: "It’s okay to feel hurt or disappointed. My feelings are valid. I can share them openly without needing a particular response from him. This is about me being authentic, not about controlling how he reacts."
How You Could Speak To Your Man: "It was hard for me that didn’t have time to talk last night. I’m not blaming you—I just wanted to be honest about how I experienced it. I really value our conversations. Is there anything going on for you that I can hold space for?"
Celebrate Your Own Wins: Notice and acknowledge your own growth, achievements, and strengths. Share them with your partner not for validation, but to let him into your world more deeply.
How You Could Speak To Yourself: "I’m proud of myself for what I achieved today. I don’t need anyone else’s validation to know that I’m growing and making progress. I can share this joy with others because I know others love celebrating with me, not because I need their praise."
How You Could Speak To Your Man: "I wanted to share something that felt really good today—I completed a project I’ve been working on for weeks, and I feel really proud of myself. It feels great to make progress, and I wanted to let you in on that part of my day."
Create Space for His Autonomy Too: Recognise that your partner also needs space to be himself. Encourage him to be open about his feelings and desires, even if they don’t always align with yours.
How You Could Speak To Yourself: "It’s okay for him to need space or have his own desires that are different from mine. I can honour that without feeling threatened. We are two whole people with our own paths, and that’s a beautiful thing."
How You Could Speak To Your Man: "I know you’ve been wanting some more time to yourself lately, and I just want you to know that I respect that. I want you to feel free to express what you need, even if it doesn’t always match up with what I want. I’m here for you, whatever that looks like."
Why Self-Validated Intimacy Leads to Deeper Connection
When you practice Self-Validated Intimacy, you’re not constantly looking to your partner to make you feel okay. This doesn’t mean you don’t care or that you’re disengaged. Quite the opposite. You’re able to be fully present, fully yourself, and fully open. You can lean in without fear, because you’re not leaning so hard that you’ll fall if he steps back.
This creates a flexible dynamic that allows for true emotional intimacy. Your partner can feel safe to express himself without feeling pressured to “fix” your emotions or always be responsible for how you feel. And you, in turn, become more confident in your own skin, able to navigate the natural ebbs and flows of your relationship with grace.
The Spectrum of Intimacy
It’s important to recognise that intimacy is a spectrum. Some people lean more on Other-Validated Intimacy, while others are more comfortable with Self-Validated Intimacy. Someone you might perceive as “needy” is probably more reliant on external validation, while someone who seems more self-assured might already be practicing self-validation.
Wherever you find yourself on this spectrum, it’s okay. Moving toward Self-Validated Intimacy is a skill anyone can learn. It’s not about rejecting your need for connection or becoming emotionally distant; it’s about building a foundation within yourself that allows you to connect deeply without losing yourself in the process.
The Path to Emotional Depth
If you’re looking to create a deeper emotional connection with your man, Self-Validated Intimacy might be what you’ve been missing. It offers a way to bring more of yourself into the relationship while still deeply caring about your partner and the outcome. It’s about creating a balance where you can lean into each other without fear, and lean away when needed, knowing you’ll both be okay.
This shift is powerful and transformative. It’s about embracing a love that is less about dependence and more about genuine, heartfelt connection. So, if you’ve been feeling like something is missing, consider taking steps toward Self-Validated Intimacy. It could be the key to unlocking the emotional depth you’ve been longing for.
Final Thoughts
Creating a deep emotional connection with your partner is possible when you move from Other-Validated Intimacy to Self-Validated Intimacy. It’s not about becoming overly independent or not caring about his feelings; it’s about learning to be yourself and finding stability from within. This flexible stance allows for the kind of connection that is both secure and deeply fulfilling, offering a path to the intimacy you’ve always wanted.
