Fight the Issue, Not Each Other: Best Practical Relationship Advice for Young Couples
Getting to know someone new in dating is incredible—it’s full of laughter, late-night talks, and creating a future together.
But it’s also filled with moments that challenge your patience and test your love. You might go a whole day or even days without seeing each other, which means you’re left to stew over things in your own head. And then there’s that anxiety: What if this argument is a sign that we’re not compatible? What if it’s the beginning of the end?
These feelings are completely normal. When you’re in the dating phase, every disagreement can feel like a test of the relationship. It’s easy to overthink, second-guess, or even catastrophise every little conflict. You might find yourself replaying conversations in your mind, wondering if you said too much, too little, or if you were misunderstood entirely.
If you’re just starting out as a couple, you might have found that when disagreements arise, it’s easy to slip into seeing each other as the problem. But let’s just start with the end in mind: fight the issue, not each other.
Table of Contents
The Problem: Distance, Doubt, and Disconnect
Partner Isn't the Enemy (And What to Do Instead)
The Solution: Finding Connection in Conflict
Final Thoughts
The Problem: Distance, Doubt, and Disconnect
Distance Can Amplify Doubts: When you don’t see each other every day, misunderstandings can feel bigger. You’re not there to see the reassuring smile or hear the comforting tone that would normally soften the blow of a tough conversation. Instead, you’re left with your own thoughts, which can spiral into doubt and worry.
The Pressure to Be Perfect: When you’re still getting to know each other, it can feel like every disagreement is a sign of incompatibility. You may think, "If we’re already fighting, what does that mean for our future?" This pressure can make it tempting to avoid tough conversations altogether, leading to unresolved issues simmering beneath the surface.
Fear of Overstepping: There’s a delicate balance in dating—you want to be close, but not too close, vulnerable but not too vulnerable. This can make it tricky to express concerns or frustrations. You might worry that bringing up a problem will make you seem needy, insecure, or overly dramatic. So, instead of addressing issues head-on, you let them fester.
Partner Isn't the Enemy (And What to Do Instead)
In the heat of the moment, it’s tempting to see your partner as the enemy. But don’t forget, you’re a team—one that’s working toward a shared goal.
When conflict arises, remind yourselves it’s both of you against the issue, not each other.
Ask yourself:
“How can we tackle this together?”
“What am I not seeing about myself or this challenge that my partner can see?”
“How can I be non-reactive about his perspective?
How can I listen without having to agree with him?”
“What’s really bothering me about this?”
“What could my partner be feeling that I’m missing?”
“How can I listen without jumping to defend myself or make them wrong?”
Example: If you’re disagreeing about how often to go out or spend money on dates, instead of arguing over the specifics, talk about what’s underneath those choices. Maybe one of you feels that spending money shows care and investment in the relationship, while the other feels nervous about finances or wants to keep things simple. Discuss your expectations and values openly—this isn't about who’s right or wrong but about understanding what matters to each of you.
The Solution: Finding Connection in Conflict
Now, let’s talk about what you can do when you find yourselves in these tricky spots:
By recognising the unique challenges of dating conflicts, you can learn to approach them with more understanding and compassion—for both yourself and your partner. The goal isn’t to avoid conflict altogether, but to use it as a tool to grow closer, even when you’re apart.
Own Your Feelings, Don’t Outsource Them
How you start a conversation often sets the tone for how it unfolds. Instead of jumping in with accusations like, "You never care about how I feel," which places the responsibility for your emotions on the other person, try recognising that your feelings are yours to manage. It's okay to feel hurt or anxious, but it’s about owning those feelings without needing your partner to validate them for you.
Practical Example: Instead of saying, “When I don't hear from you after work, I feel forgotten and it hurts,” you could say, “I’ve noticed that I feel anxious when I don’t hear from you after work, and I’m working on understanding why that is.” This approach acknowledges your emotions without making your partner responsible for them.
Grow Your Emotional Awareness
Start by getting comfortable with your own feelings, even the uncomfortable ones. By developing your self-awareness, you can recognise when you’re seeking external reassurance to calm your anxiety or fear. Instead of needing your partner to make you feel secure, you can begin to address those feelings on your own.
Practical Example: If you're upset because of a delayed response, rather than immediately saying, “I felt anxious when I didn’t hear from you today. Can we talk about what happened?” try acknowledging your own emotional process: “I noticed I was feeling uneasy when I didn't hear from you, and I'm realising this is something I need to explore more deeply in myself.” This keeps the focus on your growth rather than leaning on your partner to 'fix' the feeling for you.
By owning your emotional reactions, you build the strength to handle conflicts without relying on your partner to provide constant reassurance or validation. This doesn't mean you don't communicate your feelings, but it shows you are taking responsibility for them and growing in emotional maturity.
Take a Timeout, But Don’t Ghost
When you feel the tension mounting, it's tempting to react instantly—maybe by firing off a heated text or abruptly ending a call. Instead, hit pause. Say something like, "I’m feeling overwhelmed and need 15 minutes to clear my head. Let’s check back in after that." This isn't about avoiding the problem; it's about giving yourself a moment to cool down so you can return with a calmer, more constructive mindset. By naming a specific time frame, you keep your partner from feeling abandoned or uncertain.
Practical Example: Instead of vanishing mid-conversation, send a message: "I’m getting kinda heated right now, so let’s take a breather. I’ll call you back in like 20 minutes."
Stand on Your Own Two Feet, Don’t Just Validate
In a disagreement, it's easy to fall into the habit of trying to soothe things over by validating your partner's feelings—saying things like, "I understand that you feel hurt when I don’t check in as often." While this might seem like the "right" thing to do, it can sometimes come from a place of needing to ease tension or avoid conflict, rather than genuinely engaging with your own feelings and theirs.
True validation doesn’t mean just agreeing to make the other person feel better. It involves recognising both your partner's experience and your own, without sacrificing your sense of self to keep the peace. It's about staying present and holding steady, even when things get uncomfortable.
Practical Example: Instead of saying, “I see you feel left out when I make plans without consulting you,” which might be an attempt to placate, try saying, “I hear that you feel left out, and I also need you to understand that I value my independence. Let’s talk about how we can balance these needs without either of us feeling compromised.”
Hold On to Yourself While Acknowledging Your Partner
Engage from a place where you stay connected to your partner without losing your sense of self. Instead of trying to calm things down by merely validating your partner's emotions, express your own needs and boundaries too. It's not just about recognising their experience; it's also about being clear about your own.
Practical Example: If your partner feels hurt when you make plans without including them, you could say, "I understand that you felt excluded, and I also need some autonomy in making my own plans sometimes. Can we find a way to respect both our needs?" This approach shows empathy for their feelings while also maintaining your own integrity.
By standing firm in who you are and expressing both empathy and honesty, you build a more genuine connection. You're not just keeping the peace; you're creating a relationship where both people can grow and be themselves.
Acknowledge Efforts, Don’t Stonewall
If your partner reaches out during a conflict—whether with a text, call, or message—don’t ignore it. Acknowledge their effort, even if you’re not ready to dive into the full conversation. Respond with, “I see you’re trying to connect. I’m not quite ready to talk right now, but I promise I will reach out later today.”
Practical Example: If your partner sends, “Can we talk?” don’t leave them hanging. Even if you're not ready, respond with, “I’m still sorting through my feelings, but I want to talk. Let’s plan for this evening.”
By following these steps, you can turn conflicts into opportunities to understand each other better and grow closer, even when things feel tough. Remember, it’s not about avoiding conflict—it’s about navigating it in a way that brings you closer rather than driving you apart.
Final Thoughts
Dating can be so much fun but it’s also a journey. The more you learn to fight the issue instead of each other, the stronger your bond will be. So the next time conflict arises, remember: you’re on the same side. Let that be your guide.
