Enneagram Instincts: How Couples Interact Based on Their Primary Drives

The Enneagram is a powerful tool for self-understanding, but its magic really comes alive when we consider how our instincts – Sexual (SX), Self-Preservation (SP), and Social (SO) – influence the way we connect with others, especially in romantic relationships.

These instincts shape our priorities, how we show up in love, and how we respond to our partner’s needs.

By understanding your primary instinct, and that of your partner, you can navigate your relationship more effectively, whether you share the same instinct or have different ones.

This article will break down each combination of instincts, provide tips for success, and also offer insights into your subtypes and blind spots (the instinct you're least aware of).

Table of Contents

• Step 1: Identify Your Instinct

• Step 2: Explore Your Instinctual Relationship Rhythm

• Step 3: Understand Your Blind Spot

• Final Thoughts

Step 1: Identify Your Instinct

To begin, determine your primary instinct and that of your partner.

The Enneagram Instincts reflect our core drives in life and relationships. We all have an instinctual "stack," with a dominant instinct driving our behaviour, a secondary instinct supporting it, and a blind spot – the instinct we pay the least attention to – influencing us in subtler ways.

In this section, your job is to try and determine your dominant (or primary) instinct and which one your partner naturally prioritises.

Mini Quiz: What’s Your Dominant Instinct?

• Mini Quiz: What’s Your Dominant Instinct? (3-Minute Quiz)

  Take this mini quiz to discover which instinct drives your relationships and daily life. Answer each question honestly, thinking about what feels most natural to you.

  1. When it comes to connecting with others, what do you crave the most?

  • A. Deep, one-on-one connection where I can share emotions openly and feel a strong bond.

  • B. A safe, secure, and comfortable environment where everything is organised and predictable.

  • C. Engaging with a larger community, spending time with friends, and being involved in group activities.

  2. How do you feel when things in your relationship become routine or predictable?

  • A. I feel restless and crave more intensity or excitement.

  • B. I feel comfortable and secure knowing everything is in order.

  • C. I’m fine with it as long as I still have plenty of social interactions with others.

  3. How do you prefer to spend quality time with your partner or loved ones?

  • A. Deep conversations, passionate debates, or romantic moments where we can truly connect.

  • B. Relaxing at home, organising the house, or ensuring our physical and emotional needs are met.

  • C. Going out with friends, hosting gatherings, or participating in activities with others.

  4. What’s your approach to managing stress or anxiety?

  • A. I need to talk it out with someone close, dive deep into my feelings, and feel emotionally supported.

  • B. I manage stress by organising my space, sticking to a routine, and ensuring my physical needs are met.

  • C. I seek out social interactions or group activities to distract myself and feel supported by my community.

  5. How do you recharge after a busy or stressful week?

  • A. I reconnect with my partner through intimate time together, like a long conversation or a special date.

  • B. I retreat to my home, enjoy a quiet routine, and take care of practical matters to feel grounded.

  • C. I spend time with friends or attend social events where I can have fun and feel a sense of belonging.

  Results:

  • Mostly A's: Your dominant instinct is Sexual (SX). You crave deep, intimate connections and feel most fulfilled when your relationships are passionate and intense.

  • Mostly B's: Your dominant instinct is Self-Preservation (SP). You focus on creating a stable, secure environment and find comfort in routines, organisation, and taking care of practical needs.

  • Mostly C's: Your dominant instinct is Social (SO). You are energised by community involvement and thrive in social settings where you can connect with others and feel a sense of belonging.

Quick Guide: What Each Instinctual Type Prioritises

Here’s a quick guide to give you an idea of what each instinctual type prioritises:

• Things *Sexual* Types Naturally Care About:

  • Deep, one-on-one conversations after a long day

  • Romantic getaways to reconnect

  • Passionate debates on meaningful topics

  • Seeking intense eye contact during conversations

  • Planning special date nights to feel exclusive

  • Expressing emotions openly and vulnerably

  • Prioritising intimate moments and quality time

• Things *Self-Preservation* Types Naturally Care About:

  • Keeping the home tidy and organised

  • Planning finances and ensuring bills are paid

  • Establishing a consistent daily routine

  • Having regular meals and ensuring physical needs are met

  • Prioritising sleep, rest, and relaxation

  • Maintaining a secure, cosy environment

  • Stocking up on essentials (food, toiletries) to feel prepared

• Things *Social* Types Naturally Care About:

  • Attending social gatherings and staying connected with friends

  • Hosting dinner parties or group activities

  • Volunteering or contributing to community events

  • Regularly checking in on friends and family through calls or messages

  • Participating in team sports, clubs, or group hobbies

  • Staying informed about social issues and contributing where possible

  • Building and maintaining a strong social network

So, are your starting to get a picture of which is your dominant instinct? How about your partner? Sometimes it’s easier to see in others what they prioritise, and harder to reflect on ourselves.

If you’re still unsure, here are some guiding questions to help:

• Sexual (SX): Do you crave deep, one-on-one connection with your partner? Do you seek intensity in your relationships and feel restless without a strong emotional or physical bond? Are you often drawn to passionate debates or long, intimate conversations?

• Self-Preservation (SP): Do you focus on creating a stable, comfortable environment for yourself and your loved ones? Are you concerned with practicalities like finances, routines, and making sure the household is secure? Do you find comfort in knowing everything is in order?

• Social (SO): Are you energised by social activities and community involvement? Do you find your relationships strengthened by engaging with a broader network of people? Are you naturally inclined to seek out connection through group dynamics or shared experiences?

Once you’ve identified your instincts, you can start to see how these instincts interact in your relationship.

Step 2: Explore Your Instinctual Relationship Rhythm

Let’s break down how different instinct combinations manifest in relationships and offer practical advice to enhance understanding and connection.

Often, we’re drawn to differences in our partners, which means we usually don’t share the same primary instinct. Instead, we tend to complement one another in ways that balance our relationship. This dynamic often leads to unique instinctual "stacks" where one partner might prioritise connection, while the other focuses on security or social engagement.

These differences, while sometimes challenging, allow us to fill in the gaps for each other, creating a fuller, more harmonious partnership. When we embrace these complementary instincts, we can learn to support each other's needs and grow together as a couple.

36 Instinctual Combinations

• 1. SX/SP/SO + SX/SP/SO

  What might feel easy for them:

  • Deep Passionate Connection: Both partners are SX dominant, so there is likely a shared desire for intense bonding, emotional intimacy, and depth in the relationship. They will likely feel fulfilled by the level of emotional and physical closeness they share.

  • Prioritsing Each Other: With both having SO last, they are likely to feel united in their preference for one-on-one time over social engagements, making them feel like a "world unto themselves."

  What could be a sticking point:

  • Over-Fixation on the Relationship: They may become so focused on each other that they ignore their own needs for self-care (SP) or neglect friendships and social ties (SO). This could make the relationship feel insular and isolated over time.

  • Burnout from Intensity: With both partners prioritising SX and SP, the relationship might become all-consuming, and there could be little relief from the intensity, leading to emotional exhaustion.

• 2. SX/SP/SO + SX/SO/SP

  What might feel easy for them:

  • Shared Desire for Intimacy: Both partners are SX dominant, so they will enjoy a natural alignment around deep emotional and physical closeness. They understand each other's need for connection and intensity.

  • One Partner Focuses on Comfort, the Other on Social Connections: The SX/SO partner may help introduce more social connections and networking opportunities, while the SX/SP partner keeps the focus on physical security and comfort, creating a balance.

  What could be a sticking point:

  • Discrepancy in Social Engagement: The SX/SP partner may not care as much for social obligations, whereas the SX/SO partner might occasionally want more social activity and engagement. This could create friction around how much time is spent with others.

  • Security vs. Connection with Others: The SX/SP partner may prioritize staying in and fostering intimacy through one-on-one time, while the SX/SO partner may want to expand the relationship's influence in social settings, causing a slight misalignment.

• 3. SX/SP/SO + SO/SX/SP

  What might feel easy for them:

  • Mutual Focus on Connection: The SX instinct in both partners means there will be a shared emphasis on intimacy, though the SO/SX partner will express this in more social ways, such as within their wider social circles.

  • Social Harmony: The SO/SX partner’s social awareness might help the SX/SP partner expand their social sphere and find comfort in larger groups, which could bring balance to their relationship.

  What could be a sticking point:

  • Social Needs vs. Privacy: The SX/SP partner may prefer intimate, one-on-one time over the SO/SX partner’s desire for social interaction, potentially causing disagreements about how much time to spend with others.

  • Isolation vs. Engagement: The SX/SP partner might feel overwhelmed by the SO/SX partner’s focus on social engagement and could withdraw, creating tension around how connected they feel to each other's social lives.

• 4. SX/SP/SO + SO/SP/SX

  What might feel easy for them:

  • Balanced Security and Social Engagement: The SO/SP partner’s instinctual stack helps ensure there’s a good balance between social engagement and creating a safe, comfortable environment, while the SX/SP partner brings the intensity of connection to the relationship.

  • Shared Ground in Physical Security: Both have the SP instinct as a secondary focus, which means they will likely share a common desire for physical security, home stability, and maintaining a comfortable environment.

  What could be a sticking point:

  • Competing Needs for Social vs. Intimate Connection: The SO/SP partner may crave more socializing and group activities, while the SX/SP partner could feel that this takes away from their personal bond, leading to potential conflict over where their energy goes.

  • Intensity vs. Stability: The SX/SP partner might desire a more intense, emotionally charged relationship, while the SO/SP partner may focus more on creating a stable, predictable environment, leading to moments of friction.

• 5. SP/SX/SO + SP/SX/SO

  What might feel easy for them:

  • Shared Focus on Security: Both partners will prioritize physical security, comfort, and stability, making their home life and daily routines feel very safe and predictable.

  • Quiet, Private Bond: They will appreciate each other's desire for close, one-on-one time, and they’ll likely enjoy creating a calm, intimate atmosphere together, free from external distractions.

  What could be a sticking point:

  • Lack of Social Interaction: With both having SO last, they may both avoid social gatherings or put little emphasis on community-building, leading to isolation and a shrinking social circle.

  • Lack of Emotional Intensity: They might get too comfortable in their routine and physical security, neglecting to push the relationship toward deeper emotional intimacy, which could create a feeling of stagnation over time.

• 6. SP/SX/SO + SP/SO/SX

  What might feel easy for them:

  • Shared Value of Security: Both partners will prioritize creating a secure and comfortable environment, and they will likely bond over shared routines and practical concerns about their well-being.

  • Social Comfort in Small Doses: The SP/SO partner might introduce more social awareness without overwhelming the SP/SX partner, allowing for a balance between safety and social interaction.

  What could be a sticking point:

  • Socializing vs. Comfort: The SP/SO partner might want to engage more socially than the SP/SX partner, which could lead to some conflict over how much time to spend with others versus staying in their comfort zone.

  • Potential Emotional Disconnect: The SP/SX partner might feel emotionally neglected if the SP/SO partner puts too much focus on socializing with others, rather than fostering emotional intimacy within the relationship.

• 7. SP/SX/SO + SX/SP/SO

  What might feel easy for them:

  • Balanced Intensity and Stability: The SP/SX partner’s focus on security will complement the SX/SP partner’s need for intensity, providing a good balance between deep connection and stability.

  • Strong One-on-One Connection: Both partners value intimacy in their own ways—one through emotional connection (SX) and the other through physical and environmental safety (SP), which can create a strong, grounded bond.

  What could be a sticking point:

  • Different Energy Levels: The SX/SP partner may want more excitement and intensity, while the SP/SX partner might prefer a more relaxed, predictable environment, leading to differences in how they want to spend their time together.

  • Tension Between Safety and Risk: The SX/SP partner may push for more emotional risk-taking, while the SP/SX partner might resist, wanting to maintain a sense of security instead.

• 8. SO/SX/SP + SO/SX/SP

  What might feel easy for them:

  • Shared Focus on Social and Emotional Connection: Both partners value their social circles and will likely enjoy connecting with others together while also fostering a strong emotional connection in their private life.

  • Good Social Awareness: Both will be attuned to the needs of their broader social circles, which could make for a vibrant and connected relationship that thrives within a community.

  What could be a sticking point:

  • Over-Involvement in Social Life: They could become too focused on external social interactions, potentially neglecting their one-on-one connection or physical needs at home.

  • Burnout from Socialising: Since they both prioritise social engagement, they might overextend themselves socially, which could lead to feeling burnt out or disconnected from their personal lives.

• 9. SO/SX/SP + SO/SP/SX

  What might feel easy for them:

  • Strong Social Presence: The SO/SX partner’s social energy combined with the SO/SP partner’s desire for harmony within groups makes them a strong social couple, able to navigate different social settings with ease.

  • Balance Between Social and Practical: The SO/SP partner brings a focus on comfort and security, which helps ground the SO/SX partner’s more emotionally-driven social instincts, providing balance between outward engagement and home life.

  What could be a sticking point:

  • Different Priorities in Social Engagement: The SO/SX partner might want to engage with others more emotionally or intensely, while the SO/SP partner may prefer to focus on keeping things comfortable and smooth, which could lead to mismatches in how they interact socially.

  • Overextension Socially: They might both over-prioritise social commitments and neglect their own needs for rest or deeper emotional connection with each other.

• 10. SO/SX/SP + SX/SO/SP

  What might feel easy for them:

  • Balance of Social and Emotional Connection: The SO/SX partner enjoys bringing the relationship into their social circles, while the SX/SO partner adds emotional intensity, making their relationship dynamic and well-rounded.

  • Emotional Depth in Social Settings: The SX/SO partner’s focus on intense emotional connections complements the SO/SX partner’s social skills, allowing for deeper bonds with others in social settings.

  What could be a sticking point:

  • Social vs. Intimate Priorities: The SX/SO partner may want to focus more on the intense, intimate side of their relationship, while the SO/SX partner might prioritize socializing with others, potentially causing conflict around where to place their energy.

  • Balancing Intensity and Socialising: The SX/SO partner may feel frustrated if the SO/SX partner appears to spend too much energy on socialising and not enough on fostering their deeper connection. Conversely, the SO/SX partner might feel drained by the emotional intensity that the SX/SO partner craves and could prefer lighter, more social interactions.

• 11. SO/SX/SP + SP/SX/SO

  What might feel easy for them:

  • Complementary Strengths: The SO/SX partner brings social connections and emotional depth to the relationship, while the SP/SX partner contributes stability and physical security, creating a well-rounded relationship that balances social engagement with safety.

  • Shared Emotional Intimacy: Both partners share a secondary SX instinct, which means there will be a natural alignment around emotional and physical closeness, even if it expresses differently in each.

  What could be a sticking point:

  • Social Engagement vs. Security: The SO/SX partner might want to engage more with social groups, while the SP/SX partner could prefer staying in and focusing on their personal connection, leading to tension over how much energy to spend outside the home.

  • Different Priorities in Social Settings: The SO/SX partner may want to use social interactions as a way to deepen emotional connections, while the SP/SX partner might feel like socialising takes away from their personal security and comfort.

• 12. SO/SP/SX + SX/SP/SO

  What might feel easy for them:

  • Balance of Social and Personal Life: The SO/SP partner focuses on creating a harmonious social environment while ensuring physical security, while the SX/SP partner brings emotional depth and intimacy, creating a relationship that feels both safe and exciting.

  • Shared Ground in Security: Both partners share SP in their stack, so there will likely be a mutual emphasis on physical safety and comfort, which can provide a steady base for their relationship.

  What could be a sticking point:

  • Competing Needs for Social vs. Emotional Focus: The SO/SP partner may prefer to maintain social harmony and comfort, while the SX/SP partner might want to delve into deeper emotional intimacy, potentially leading to conflicts over priorities in the relationship.

  • Different Approaches to Connection: The SX/SP partner could feel frustrated by the SO/SP partner's preference for socialising over intense one-on-one connection, while the SO/SP partner may feel overwhelmed by the SX/SP partner’s emotional intensity.

• 13. SO/SP/SX + SP/SX/SO

  What might feel easy for them:

  • Shared Focus on Security: Both partners share the SP instinct, meaning they will likely bond over creating a secure, stable home environment. Their mutual focus on comfort and safety will provide a strong foundation for the relationship.

  • Balance Between Social Engagement and Stability: The SO/SP partner can help the SP/SX partner feel more comfortable in social situations, while the SP/SX partner can ground the relationship with their focus on security.

  What could be a sticking point:

  • Different Social Needs: The SO/SP partner may want to engage in social activities more than the SP/SX partner, leading to conflicts about how much energy to spend on socialising versus staying in their comfort zone.

  • Potential Emotional Disconnect: The SP/SX partner may feel that the SO/SP partner is too focused on social harmony and not enough on deeper emotional connection, leading to a sense of emotional distance between them.

• 14. SO/SP/SX + SO/SX/SP

  What might feel easy for them:

  • Strong Social Presence: Both partners value social harmony and community, which will likely make them a socially active couple who thrive in group settings while maintaining a deep emotional connection.

  • Balanced Focus on Comfort and Intimacy: The SO/SP partner’s focus on security and comfort complements the SO/SX partner’s desire for emotional depth within social settings, creating a relationship that feels both stable and connected to a larger community.

  What could be a sticking point:

  • Burnout from Socialising: Both partners might overextend themselves socially, which could lead to feelings of burnout or neglecting their personal connection in favour of maintaining social commitments.

  • Different Levels of Emotional Depth: The SO/SX partner might push for deeper emotional connections within their social interactions, while the SO/SP partner could prefer to keep things more light and harmonious, leading to occasional tension.

• 15. SO/SP/SX + SX/SO/SP

  What might feel easy for them:

  • Balanced Social and Emotional Connection: The SO/SP partner brings a grounded, secure approach to social engagement, while the SX/SO partner adds emotional depth, which can create a strong, connected relationship both in social and personal spheres.

  • Strong Social Presence with Depth: Both partners value social interaction, and the SX/SO partner’s focus on emotional intensity could add depth to their shared social experiences, enriching their community involvement.

  What could be a sticking point:

  • Competing Social Needs: The SX/SO partner may desire deeper, more emotionally charged interactions within social groups, while the SO/SP partner might prefer to keep things harmonious and comfortable, leading to potential misalignment in how they approach their social life.

  • Differences in Emotional Intensity: The SX/SO partner’s drive for deeper emotional intimacy could clash with the SO/SP partner’s focus on security and comfort, resulting in some tension around emotional vulnerability and openness.

• 16. SX/SO/SP + SX/SO/SP

  What might feel easy for them:

  • Shared Desire for Emotional Intensity: Both partners are SX dominant, so they will likely find alignment in their mutual craving for deep emotional and physical connection. Their relationship will likely feel passionate and engaging.

  • Social Engagement with Depth: Since both partners have SO as a secondary instinct, they will likely enjoy engaging with their social circles in a meaningful way, connecting with others while fostering emotional depth within their relationship.

  What could be a sticking point:

  • Potential for Emotional Overwhelm: With both partners prioritizing intensity, there could be a risk of emotional burnout or volatility in the relationship, especially if neither can step back to maintain stability.

  • Neglect of Practical Needs: Both partners have SP last in their stack, so they might struggle with maintaining physical security, stability, and self-care, potentially leading to neglect of practical needs like health or finances.

• 17. SX/SO/SP + SO/SP/SX

  What might feel easy for them:

  • Social and Emotional Balance: The SX/SO partner will bring emotional depth and intensity, while the SO/SP partner will ensure that their social life is harmonious and that their basic needs for security are met, creating a balanced relationship.

  • Shared Interest in Social Connection: Both partners value the SO instinct, so they will likely enjoy engaging in social activities together, with the SX/SO partner adding emotional richness to these interactions.

  What could be a sticking point:

  • Competing Priorities in Social Settings: The SX/SO partner may want to deepen emotional connections in social settings, while the SO/SP partner might prefer to focus on maintaining harmony and comfort, leading to tension about how to engage with others.

  • Emotional vs. Practical Focus: The SX/SO partner might prioritise emotional intensity over practical matters, while the SO/SP partner could feel that security and comfort are being overlooked, causing friction around their day-to-day responsibilities.

• 18. SX/SO/SP + SP/SX/SO

  What might feel easy for them:

  • Balanced Focus on Intimacy and Security: The SX/SO partner will bring a focus on deep connection and emotional intensity, while the SP/SX will prioritise security, creating a complementary dynamic.

  • Shared Drive for Self-Preservation: Both partners have the SP instinct in their stack, ensuring that basic needs are mutually respected and valued.

  What could be a sticking point:

  • Competing Priorities in Intimacy: The SX/SO partner might seek more emotional intensity and connection, while the SP/SX partner could prioritise personal comfort and practical needs, leading to tension.

  • Social vs. Personal Focus: The SX/SO may prefer social interaction to maintain connection, whereas the SP/SX could retreat into personal space, causing friction over how to spend time together.

• 19. SX/SO/SP + SO/SX/SP

  Here are the combinations from 18 to 36, with their respective descriptions for what might feel easy and what could be a sticking point:

  18. SX/SO/SP + SP/SX/SO

  What might feel easy for them:

  • Balanced Focus on Intimacy and Security: The SX/SO partner will bring a focus on deep connection and emotional intensity, while the SP/SX will prioritise security, creating a complementary dynamic.

  • Shared Drive for Self-Preservation: Both partners have the SP instinct in their stack, ensuring that basic needs are mutually respected and valued.

  What could be a sticking point:

  • Competing Priorities in Intimacy: The SX/SO partner might seek more emotional intensity and connection, while the SP/SX partner could prioritise personal comfort and practical needs, leading to tension.

  • Social vs. Personal Focus: The SX/SO may prefer social interaction to maintain connection, whereas the SP/SX could retreat into personal space, causing friction over how to spend time together.

  19. SX/SO/SP + SO/SX/SP

  What might feel easy for them:

  • Shared Interest in Depth: Both partners will naturally gravitate towards emotional intensity and deep, meaningful connections, making it easier to bond on an intimate level.

  • Social Engagement: With both partners having the SO instinct in their stack, they will enjoy being socially active and connecting with others as a couple.

  What could be a sticking point:

  • Emotional Overload: Both partners prioritising intense connection could sometimes lead to an emotional overload, making it hard for either to ground themselves or step away when needed.

  • Conflict in Social Settings: The SX/SO might want to deepen their social experiences, while the SO/SX could focus on ensuring harmony in group dynamics, leading to subtle tensions over how to interact socially.

• 20. SX/SO/SP + SO/SP/SX

  What might feel easy for them:

  • Emotional and Social Engagement: Both partners value emotional intensity and social connections, which will make shared experiences rich in both depth and camaraderie.

  • Complementary Energies: The SX/SO will bring a desire for deep, intimate connections, while the SO/SP provides stability and security, ensuring the relationship feels both passionate and safe.

  What could be a sticking point:

  • Differences in Priorities: The SX/SO may prioritise emotional depth over practicality, while the SO/SP might focus more on ensuring security and comfort, causing disagreements about where to put their energy.

  • Social Tension: The SX/SO might seek to deepen connections with others, while the SO/SP might want to maintain harmony and comfort in social interactions, leading to a clash of desires.

• 21. SP/SO/SX + SP/SO/SX

  What might feel easy for them:

  • Strong Focus on Stability: Both partners share a high priority on the SP instinct, ensuring that their relationship will focus on security, practicality, and shared comfort.

  • Harmonious Approach to Social Life: Both will enjoy engaging with others while maintaining their own comfort and boundaries, ensuring social situations don’t become overwhelming.

  What could be a sticking point:

  • Lack of Emotional Intensity: Since both partners are more focused on stability and social harmony, they may find their relationship lacks the emotional intensity they might crave at times.

  • Resistance to Change: Both could get too comfortable in their routines, making it harder to introduce new experiences or deepen emotional connections.

• 22. SP/SO/SX + SX/SP/SO

  What might feel easy for them:

  • Balanced Approach to Security and Passion: The SP/SO partner will ensure the practical needs of the relationship are met, while the SX/SP brings intensity and passion, creating a balanced dynamic.

  • Complementary Social Approach: The SP/SO will keep social situations grounded, while the SX/SP brings depth and connection to those interactions.

  What could be a sticking point:

  • Differing Priorities: The SP/SO might focus more on comfort and security, while the SX/SP seeks emotional intensity, leading to misunderstandings about priorities in the relationship.

  • Emotional Depth vs. Practicality: The SX/SP may feel the relationship lacks depth, while the SP/SO could feel overwhelmed by the intensity, creating friction around emotional and practical balance.

• 23. SP/SO/SX + SO/SX/SP

  What might feel easy for them:

  • Shared Social Engagement: Both partners enjoy socialising, with the SO/SX bringing emotional richness to social situations and the SP/SO providing a steady, grounded approach.

  • Balanced Priorities: The SP/SO partner focuses on stability and security, while the SO/SX encourages emotional depth and connection, creating a balanced approach to both practical and emotional needs.

  What could be a sticking point:

  • Conflict over Emotional Intensity: The SO/SX may crave more emotional depth and intensity, while the SP/SO could focus on maintaining comfort and avoiding disruption, leading to tension.

  • Social Dynamics Differences: The SO/SX might want to push for more meaningful social interactions, while the SP/SO could prefer keeping things light and comfortable.

• 24. SP/SO/SX + SO/SP/SX

  What might feel easy for them:

  • Focus on Security and Social Harmony: Both partners will prioritise maintaining a stable and comfortable environment, with a shared interest in building social connections without too much disruption.

  • Complementary Balance of Emotions and Practicality: The SP/SO will provide security, while the SO/SP ensures a balance between social harmony and emotional depth.

  What could be a sticking point:

  • Differences in Depth: The SO/SP might seek more emotional connection in social settings, while the SP/SO could focus on keeping things comfortable, leading to tension in how they engage with others.

  • Security vs. Intensity: The SP/SO’s focus on stability might feel stifling to the SO/SP partner, who seeks a balance of security with a touch of emotional richness.

• 25. SX/SO/SP + SX/SP/SO

  What might feel easy for them:

  • Shared Desire for Emotional Depth: Both partners value emotional connection and intensity, which will make it easier for them to bond on a deeper level.

  • Complementary Social Skills: They will both be comfortable navigating social situations, with the SX/SO adding intensity and the SX/SP contributing to practical engagement.

  What could be a sticking point:

  • Competing Emotional Needs: Both partners may desire emotional intensity, which could lead to occasional conflicts about whose needs should be prioritised in moments of stress or tension.

  • Practical vs. Emotional Priorities: The SX/SP might focus more on practical matters, while the SX/SO craves deeper emotional bonding, leading to misaligned priorities.

• 26. SX/SO/SP + SP/SO/SX

  What might feel easy for them:

  • Balanced Focus on Intimacy and Security: The SX/SO partner will bring emotional depth, while the SP/SO partner will ensure a stable and secure environment, creating balance in the relationship.

  • Shared Value for Connection: Both partners value social harmony, ensuring that their relationship will focus on creating meaningful connections with others.

  What could be a sticking point:

  • Differences in Priorities: The SX/SO partner may prioritise emotional intensity, while the SP/SO might focus on maintaining security and comfort, leading to tension about where to invest their energy.

  • Social Dynamics: The SX/SO could push for more intense social experiences, while the SP/SO might prefer maintaining a comfortable, secure atmosphere, leading to clashes over social interactions.

• 27. SX/SO/SP + SX/SO/SP

  What might feel easy for them:

  • Intense Emotional Connection: Both partners value emotional depth and connection, which will make it easy for them to bond on a meaningful, intense level.

  • Shared Social Interest: Both have the SO instinct in their stack, making them naturally inclined towards socialising and connecting with others in a deep, purposeful way.

  What could be a sticking point:

  • Emotional Overwhelm: Both partners prioritising emotional intensity could create moments where they both feel overwhelmed and in need of grounding or a break.

  • Balancing Practical Needs: The SX focus on both sides may leave practical, day-to-day concerns overlooked, leading to stress around practical matters.

• 28. SP/SO/SX + SP/SX/SO

  What might feel easy for them:

  • Shared Focus on Stability: Both partners have the SP instinct, ensuring that their relationship will prioritise security, comfort, and practical concerns.

  • Complementary Emotional Depth: The SP/SX partner will bring intensity and emotional depth, while the SP/SO will ensure that stability and security are maintained.

  What could be a sticking point:

  • Differences in Emotional Intensity: The SP/SX partner may crave more emotional intensity than the SP/SO, leading to tension about the depth of connection.

  • Social Engagement: The SP/SO might prefer lighter, more harmonious social interactions, while the SP/SX may want deeper connections, leading to differing approaches in social settings.

• 29. SX/SP/SO + SX/SO/SP

  What might feel easy for them:

  • Mutual Focus on Connection: Both partners will naturally seek emotional depth, which will help them create a strong bond with one another.

  • Shared Intensity: The SX/SO and SX/SP partners both value intensity in relationships, making their connection rich in emotional depth.

  What could be a sticking point:

  • Balancing Practical Concerns: The SX/SO may focus more on social connection, while the SX/SP might prioritise practical matters, causing friction about how to handle daily responsibilities.

  • Intensity Overload: Both partners may crave emotional intensity, which could become overwhelming if not managed carefully.

• 30. SP/SX/SO + SO/SX/SP

  What might feel easy for them:

  • Balanced Focus on Security and Depth: The SP/SX partner will ensure that the relationship remains grounded and secure, while the SO/SX partner will bring emotional depth and social harmony.

  • Shared Emotional Drive: Both partners value deep emotional connections, ensuring that their bond will be rich in intimacy and meaning.

  What could be a sticking point:

  • Conflict in Prioritisation: The SO/SX partner may focus more on social harmony and emotional connection, while the SP/SX could prioritise security, leading to tension about where to direct their energy.

  • Social Differences: The SO/SX may want more social engagement, while the SP/SX might prefer a more private, intimate connection, leading to disagreements in social settings.

• 31. SP/SO/SX + SX/SO/SP

  What might feel easy for them:

  • Complementary Instincts: The SP/SO will ensure security and stability, while the SX/SO brings emotional depth and connection, making the relationship balanced between stability and intensity.

  • Shared Social Interest: Both partners have a strong SO instinct, making them comfortable in social situations and focused on creating meaningful connections with others.

  What could be a sticking point:

  • Emotional vs. Practical Focus: The SX/SO might prioritise emotional connection, while the SP/SO could focus more on security and practicality, leading to a mismatch in where their energy is directed.

  • Intensity vs. Comfort: The SX/SO partner may crave more intensity in the relationship, while the SP/SO might prefer a more comfortable, relaxed dynamic.

• 32. SX/SP/SO + SO/SX/SP

  What might feel easy for them:

  • Shared Drive for Connection: Both partners value emotional depth, which will help them create a strong and meaningful bond.

  • Social Engagement: Both partners are comfortable in social situations, with the SX/SP adding intensity and the SO/SX ensuring harmony and connection in group settings.

  What could be a sticking point:

  • Conflict in Prioritisation: The SX/SP may prioritise emotional intensity and depth, while the SO/SX might focus more on social harmony, leading to tension about how they engage with others.

  • Balancing Emotional Needs: Both partners may crave emotional intensity, which could create moments of overwhelm or conflict if their needs aren’t aligned.

• 33. SX/SP/SO + SP/SO/SX

  What might feel easy for them:

  • Balanced Focus on Security and Connection: The SX/SP partner will bring emotional intensity, while the SP/SO ensures that the relationship remains secure and grounded.

  • Complementary Social Instincts: Both partners are comfortable navigating social situations, with the SX/SP adding intensity and the SP/SO ensuring stability and comfort in these settings.

  What could be a sticking point:

  • Differences in Emotional Intensity: The SX/SP may crave more emotional depth than the SP/SO, leading to tension about how much emotional connection is enough.

  • Social Engagement: The SX/SP might want to deepen connections with others, while the SP/SO could prefer keeping things light and comfortable, leading to a mismatch in social settings.

• 34. SO/SP/SX + SO/SP/SX

  What might feel easy for them:

  • Shared Focus on Social Harmony: Both partners value social connections and will naturally prioritise maintaining harmony in social situations, creating a peaceful dynamic.

  • Balanced Security and Connection: Both partners share a strong SP instinct, ensuring that their relationship will feel secure and comfortable, with an emphasis on practical needs.

  What could be a sticking point:

  • Lack of Emotional Intensity: With both partners focused on social harmony and stability, the relationship may lack the emotional depth and intensity they occasionally crave.

  • Resistance to Change: Both could get too comfortable in their routines, leading to stagnation or difficulty in deepening their emotional bond.

• 35. SX/SO/SP + SP/SX/SO

  What might feel easy for them:

  • Balanced Emotional and Practical Focus: The SX/SO partner will bring emotional depth, while the SP/SX ensures that practical needs are met, creating a balanced dynamic.

  • Shared Social Engagement: Both partners value social connections and will enjoy engaging with others while maintaining a strong focus on their relationship’s emotional core.

  What could be a sticking point:

  • Differences in Prioritisation: The SX/SO may focus more on deepening emotional connections, while the SP/SX could prioritise security and comfort, leading to tension about where to direct their energy.

  • Social vs. Emotional Dynamics: The SX/SO might crave more social intensity, while the SP/SX may prefer a quieter, more grounded approach, leading to potential conflict in social settings.

• 36. SP/SX/SO + SO/SP/SX

  What might feel easy for them:

  • Balanced Focus on Security and Emotional Connection: The SP/SX partner will ensure that the relationship feels secure and grounded, while the SO/SP brings emotional depth and social harmony to the relationship.

  • Shared Social Drive: Both partners value social interactions, with the SO/SP ensuring harmony and the SP/SX bringing intensity to these experiences.

  What could be a sticking point:

  • Conflict over Emotional Intensity: The SO/SP might want to keep things more balanced and harmonious, while the SP/SX may push for deeper emotional connections, leading to tension.

  • Balancing Security and Intensity: The SP/SX could crave more emotional depth, while the SO/SP might focus on maintaining a sense of stability and comfort, creating a possible mismatch in priorities.

Step 3: Understand Your Blind Spot

A blind spot in your Enneagram instinct is a powerful opportunity because it's an area of life you tend to overlook or neglect, often leading to imbalances or unmet needs—both for yourself and in your relationships. When you become aware of this blind spot, you unlock the potential for growth and deeper connection.

By intentionally focusing on this instinct, you can:

• Create Balance: It allows you to cultivate harmony between the three instincts (self-preservation, social, and sexual), making you more well-rounded.

• Improve Relationships: Tending to this neglected area can enhance understanding and meet needs in your partnership that were previously ignored.

• Expand Your Awareness: You gain insight into behaviours and patterns you might not have seen, making you more conscious and mindful in how you interact with others.

In short, your blind spot offers you a pathway to greater personal and relational growth by challenging you to step outside your comfort zone and engage in areas you've previously neglected.

Here’s how to address the common blind spots:

• SX Blind Spot: You may struggle to prioritise intimate one-on-one connection, instead focusing more on safety and social involvement. Your SX partner might feel neglected or undervalued in the relationship because you’re not as tuned into their need for deep intimacy.
  Tip: Make a conscious effort to connect deeply with your partner. Set aside time for intimacy and vulnerability, even if it doesn’t come naturally. Small gestures of affection or undistracted attention can go a long way in filling this gap.

• SP Blind Spot: You may overlook the need for security and stability, focusing instead on connection and social life. Your partner may feel unsupported in practical ways if they’re more self-preservation-oriented.
  Tip: Focus on creating a stable, secure environment. Show your partner that you value their need for security by paying attention to practical details like shared finances, household routines, or long-term planning.

• SO Blind Spot: You may be more focused on self-preservation and intimacy, leaving social connections and community involvement on the back burner. Your partner, if SO-dominant, might feel isolated or disconnected from the broader social world.
  Tip: Make an effort to engage in social activities together. Strengthen your bond by connecting with others in ways that are meaningful to both of you. This can help foster a sense of belonging and fulfilment beyond your immediate relationship.

Final Thoughts

Balancing all three instincts – Sexual (SX), Self-Preservation (SP), and Social (SO) – is essential for a healthy marriage. Many of the core challenges in marriage come from feeling disconnected, whether emotionally, physically, or socially. When one partner focuses too much on one instinct (e.g., emotional connection) while neglecting others (like practical needs or social engagement), it can leave the other partner feeling unsupported or misunderstood.

By balancing these instincts, we can better meet our partner’s needs. If we only focus on creating security (SP), for example, we might forget the importance of emotional intimacy (SX) or spending time with friends (SO).

A balanced approach helps both partners feel valued and connected, whether through quality one-on-one time, ensuring a stable home, or enjoying social activities together.

Understanding and nurturing all three instincts allows couples to address feelings of neglect or disconnection, ultimately building a stronger and more fulfilling relationship.