"Help! I’m the Low Desire Partner & Never Feel Like Having Sex with My Husband"
If you’re reading this, chances are you’ve found yourself in a situation where sex feels more like a task on the to-do list than an expression of love and connection.
And let’s be honest—this can feel frustrating for both partners.
One of you might be craving more frequent intimacy, while the other feels like their desire is something they need to “get around to” when time and energy allow.
If this sounds familiar, you're not alone.
Table of Contents
The High Desire Partner (HDP) and Low Desire Partner (LDP) Dynamic
The Power of Responsive Desire
Is It Duty Sex or Something Else?
How to Make It Work
The Takeaway
The High Desire Partner (HDP) and Low Desire Partner (LDP) Dynamic
Many couples experience a dynamic where one partner has a higher desire for sex (HDP) and the other has a lower desire (LDP).
The challenge is that the HDP may feel rejected when the LDP isn’t “in the mood” as often, which leads to less initiation from the HDP over time.
Meanwhile, the LDP may feel pressured or guilty, making sex feel more like a chore—something to be checked off the list, rather than something to look forward to.
For one couple, this dynamic led to a creative experiment: sex every night for a week.
The goal?
To see how it would feel, and to reconnect emotionally and physically in the process.
The Power of Responsive Desire
What they found might surprise you: the LDP wasn’t “in the mood” a single time during the experiment.
But here’s the thing—once they got started, they enjoyed it every time.
They felt closer, more bonded, and appreciated the time they set aside for each other.
This is a classic example of responsive desire, a term that describes how some people’s sexual desire isn’t spontaneous—it kicks in after things get going.
And that’s completely normal.
For many women, desire starts in the brain.
You need the right context—emotional connection, physical touch, maybe even a bit of flirting throughout the day—before the body catches up.
This is different from the loins-a-flame model we so often hear about, where you’re supposed to be ready to go at a moment’s notice.
But just because your desire doesn’t work that way, it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you.
Is It Duty Sex or Something Else?
One of the biggest concerns that comes up in situations like this is whether you’re slipping into “duty sex.”
Duty sex is when you’re doing it out of obligation, and often leads to resentment—either towards your partner or yourself.
But here’s the thing: choosing to have sex, even when you’re not in the mood initially, doesn’t automatically make it duty sex.
If you’re doing it because you know it strengthens your connection, and you typically enjoy it once you start, that’s something else entirely.
Scheduling sex, or even adding it to your mental “to-do” list, can be a way to ensure it happens—just like you make time for other things in life that matter, like exercise or quality time with friends.
The key is to avoid turning it into a job or something to dread.
Instead, view it as an opportunity for closeness, even if you’re not starting out with a blazing desire.
How to Make It Work
So, how do you find the balance between prioritising sex and keeping the spark alive?
Here are some practical ideas:
Reframe the To-Do List:
It’s OK if sex is something you need to plan for.
One wife described it beautifully: “There are lots of things on my to-do list that I love and really want to do.”
It’s all about shifting the mindset from “I have to” to “I get to.”Focus on All-Day Foreplay:
Desire doesn’t have to start in the bedroom.
Simple acts of connection throughout the day—a loving text, a kiss on the neck, or holding hands—can help keep the flame simmering, even when you’re not thinking about sex.
This makes the transition into intimacy feel more organic, rather than cold calling.Allow Time for Arousal:
Remember that responsive desire means your body may need time to catch up with your mind.
Don’t rush into penetration before your body is fully ready.
Give yourself time to relax, enjoy the foreplay, and let your arousal build.Communicate Openly:
Sometimes, the most significant barrier to fulfilling sex is the pressure you feel to perform a certain way.
Talk with your partner about how you’re feeling.
If they know that you’re not going to be “raring to go” right away, they can approach things more gently, with understanding and patience.Set Your Own Rules:
Scheduling sex can be a helpful tool, but it doesn’t need to be rigid.
You can decide together what feels best, whether that’s every few days or setting aside a specific night to connect.
The goal is to make it something you look forward to, not something you dread.Let Go of Guilt:
There’s no right or wrong way to experience desire.
It’s perfectly OK if you’re not jumping into bed, loins-a-flame, every night. Responsive desire is just as valid as spontaneous desire.
You’re not broken, you’re just different from your partner—and that’s completely normal.
The Takeaway
At the end of the day, prioritising sex doesn’t make it a chore.
It makes it an intentional act of connection, something that strengthens your marriage and brings you closer together.
Don’t be afraid to experiment, to have open conversations about what works for both of you, and to adjust as needed.
Remember, it’s not about meeting a goal—it’s about nurturing the bond you share.
And if the idea of keeping sex on the to-do list feels overwhelming, try reframing it as an “I wanna do you list.” It might just change everything.
