Spotting Red Flags: A Guide to Recognising Toxic Relationships

We’ve all heard the term "red flags" thrown around in conversations about relationships. Maybe you've even brushed off a friend’s warning with, "Oh, it’s not that bad," or told yourself, "Every relationship has its ups and downs." And sure, that’s true. But what if those "downs" are actually signals that something deeper, darker, and more damaging is at play?

Let’s get real: recognising red flags isn't about nit-picking or expecting perfection. It's about understanding that certain behaviours are not just quirks or flaws—they're signs that something in your relationship could be fundamentally harmful. And these signs? They're often not what you think.

Table of Contents

1. Introduction: Why Red Flags Matter

2. Understanding Red Flags in Relationships

3. Common Red Flags: What to Watch Out For

4. Dangerous Behaviour Patterns: Digging Deeper

5. Understanding the Spectrum of Behaviour: Consistent vs. Occasional Actions

6. Your Role in the Relationship: Facing the Hard Truths

7. Recognising Unsafe People and Setting Boundaries

8. What Healthy Looks Like: The Green Flags

9. FAQs About Red Flags in Relationships

10. Understanding the Spectrum

11. Trust Your Instincts

Understanding Red Flags in Relationships

What Are Red Flags in a Relationship?

Red flags are warning signs or behaviours that signal potential problems in a relationship. They can range from overt acts, like verbal abuse or controlling behaviour, to more subtle actions, such as dismissing your feelings or continually shifting blame. These behaviours often point to deeper issues that, if left unchecked, can escalate into more serious problems.

What Are Examples of Red Flags?

Red flags can manifest in many forms. Some are obvious, like consistent disrespect or lack of communication. Others are more insidious, hiding under the guise of concern or care. For example, an unhealthy relationship might involve:

• Lack of trust: One or both partners constantly feel suspicious or doubt each other’s actions.

  • One partner constantly checks the other's phone, emails, or social media without permission, always suspicious that something is being hidden.

  • Repeated accusations of infidelity or dishonesty, even without evidence, leading to a climate of constant doubt and insecurity.

  • Insistence on knowing every detail of the partner's whereabouts, questioning who they were with, and why they were there, reflecting a lack of trust in their autonomy and honesty.

• Manipulative behaviours: Subtle or overt attempts to control or influence you against your will.

  • Using guilt as a tool, such as saying, "If you really loved me, you would do this," to pressure a partner into doing something they’re uncomfortable with.

  • Playing the victim to avoid responsibility or accountability, often saying things like, “I can’t believe you would hurt me like this,” when confronted about their own wrongdoings.

  • Passive-aggressive tactics, like giving the silent treatment or making snide remarks disguised as jokes, to control the emotional atmosphere and manipulate the partner into feeling guilty or apologetic.

• Boundary violations: Not respecting emotional, physical, or spiritual boundaries, leading to discomfort or distress.

  • Continuously pushing physical boundaries, such as unwanted touching or pressure for intimacy, despite clear communication of discomfort.

  • Dismissing or minimising a partner’s feelings or requests, like telling them they are "overreacting" or "too sensitive" when they express discomfort or set a boundary.

  • Ignoring spiritual or emotional boundaries, such as criticising a partner’s beliefs or practices, or coercing them into participating in activities that go against their values or comfort zone.

These behaviours can make you feel trapped, anxious, and uncertain about your own worth.

Common Red Flags: What to Watch Out For

Unhealthy Relationship Patterns: Signs You Shouldn't Ignore

In unhealthy relationships, you might notice signs like no trust or respect, constant jealousy, and put-downs or insults. These behaviours can be blatant or subtle but always aim to undermine your confidence and sense of security. Other red flags include:

• Manipulative actions: Statements like “You’re overreacting” or “I do this because I care” that are used to control or dismiss you.

• Unfair fights: Conflict where one person always has to win, and the other feels belittled or unheard.

• Lack of empathy: A lack of understanding or concern for your feelings or experiences.

Signs of a Codependent Relationship

Codependency can be tricky to spot because it often looks like intense care or concern. Here are some signs of a codependent relationship:

• You feel the need to save your partner from themselves.

• You think self-care is "selfish."

• You find it hard to make your own decisions without their input.

• You feel anxious or insecure when you’re not around them.

Codependency isn’t love; it’s an unhealthy reliance on someone else to fill a void within yourself.

Dangerous Behaviour Patterns: Digging Deeper

The Anatomy of a Narcissist’s Pity Ploy

Narcissists are experts at manipulating emotions to get what they want. One common tactic is the “pity ploy.” It often starts with:

1. Crocodile tears or fake apologies: They act remorseful but never change their behaviour.

2. Rationalising their actions: Describing how much they’ve suffered, how it was all a misunderstanding, or how they have no control over their actions.

3. Lashing out if their ploy fails: They project their faults onto you and gaslight you, making you doubt your own reality.

How to Spot Narcissistic Abuse

Narcissistic abuse follows a predictable cycle:

• Idealise: Intense displays of affection that make you feel like the centre of their universe.

• Devalue: The admiration turns into criticism, and you’re left feeling like you’re not good enough.

• Discard: They push you away or withdraw, often suddenly and without explanation.

• Hoover: They try to pull you back in, often by love-bombing or making promises to change.

Covert Narcissism: The Hidden Dangers

Unlike overt narcissists who boast and brag, covert narcissists are the emotional vampires hiding behind a mask of mild manners and charm. They often:

• Play the victim to garner sympathy.

• Use passive-aggressive tactics and micro-aggressions.

• Seem fragile or self-effacing, but use these traits to manipulate and control.

Signs of a Covert Narcissist

Covert narcissists are often the most difficult to identify and unmask but they may have these common traits:

• Emotionally Draining: They act as emotional vampires, subtly draining the life and energy from others.

• Appear Mild-Mannered and Charming: They often wear a mask of being mild-mannered, charming, and even Good Samaritans.

• Seek Positions of Power: They frequently pursue roles like managers, spiritual leaders, or politicians, which allow them access to a steady stream of victims.

• Seem Sweet and Gentle Initially: They may initially come across as sweet, gentle, spiritually enlightened, charismatic, or even as victims themselves.

• Use Passive-Aggressive Abuse: They engage in passive-aggressive psychological abuse, often targeting trusting individuals.

• Chip Away at Self-Esteem: They are skilled at gradually eroding their victims' self-esteem, mental, and emotional health.

• Plant Seeds of Doubt: They use micro-aggressions and evasive criticism to create self-doubt and confusion in their victims.

Understanding the Spectrum of Behaviour: Consistent vs. Occasional Actions

Consistency vs. Context

• Someone consistently displaying these behaviours—like manipulation, passive-aggressiveness, or eroding another's self-esteem—often has a pattern that is predictable and repeated over time, regardless of the situation. This can be a sign of a deeper personality trait or coping mechanism.

• Someone who occasionally displays these behaviours might be reacting to specific circumstances, such as stress, fear, or unresolved trauma. Their actions are less predictable and may change when they become aware of their impact or when the situation changes.

Intent and Awareness

• Covert narcissists or individuals with consistent patterns of manipulative behaviour often lack self-awareness or empathy and may not see their actions as problematic. They may justify or rationalise their behaviour to maintain control or protect their self-image.

• Someone who acts in these ways sporadically may feel genuine remorse or discomfort with their behaviour. They might be more open to feedback, willing to acknowledge their actions, and eager to repair the relationship.

Response to Accountability

• A person who consistently engages in these behaviours might resist accountability, deny wrongdoing, or blame others. They may see admitting fault as a threat to their sense of self.

• Someone who exhibits these traits occasionally is more likely to be open to accountability, willing to engage in honest conversations, and committed to personal growth. They understand that their actions were hurtful and take steps toward repairing trust.

Capability for Repair

• Consistent behaviour suggests a lack of genuine desire to repair or grow. Even when they apologise, the change is often superficial or temporary, designed to draw the other person back into the cycle.

• For someone who acts this way sometimes, there is usually a genuine interest in repair. They may seek to understand their triggers, develop healthier communication habits, and express a desire to rebuild trust.

Flexibility and Change

• Consistent behaviour often involves rigid patterns. The person rarely adapts or grows because these behaviours serve their needs or self-image.

• Occasional behaviour suggests more flexibility and a potential for change. These individuals might have blind spots but are capable of growth when approached with compassion and constructive feedback.

The Three Pillars of a Healthy Relationship: Accountability, Repair, and Honesty

• Accountability means recognising one’s actions and their impact on others, understanding the harm caused, and taking responsibility. It requires a willingness to be vulnerable, to accept feedback, and to make real changes.

• Repair is about taking steps to mend the damage done—whether that’s through apologies, changed behaviour, or making amends. It’s essential for rebuilding trust and creating a healthier dynamic.

• Honesty is crucial in any relationship. Being truthful about intentions, feelings, and past behaviours, and being open about the work required to change, helps in fostering a secure and authentic connection.

Your Role in the Relationship: Facing the Hard Truths

Enabling and Blind Spots: What Are You Overlooking?

Here’s the tough pill to swallow: we often partner with someone of equal maturity as ourselves. According to Dr. David Schnarch, "You are always in a relationship with your own maturity." This means that while it’s easy to point the finger, we also need to look inward and consider how we may have enabled these behaviours to occur.

Maybe you've ignored the red flags, thinking they’d go away, or perhaps you’ve adjusted yourself around their needs, believing it would make things better. Our own blind spots—areas where we lack awareness—can keep us stuck in these patterns. Recognising that you might be playing a part doesn’t mean you’re to blame, but it does mean there’s work to do.

How to Change Your Approach

Start by asking yourself some tough questions:

• Where have you let boundaries slide?

• When have you dismissed your own feelings to avoid conflict?

• Are you compromising your values to maintain peace?

Recognise that it’s not just about changing them; it’s also about changing how you respond. Developing emotional maturity involves setting clear boundaries, communicating openly, and seeking support when needed.

Recognising Unsafe People and Setting Boundaries

An Unsafe Person: Traits to Watch Out For

Unsafe people often refuse to take responsibility for their actions, project their insecurities onto others, and use tactics like gaslighting or manipulation to keep control. They may:

• Get angry when you express frustration.

• Point out your flaws to feel superior.

• Apologise without any real intention of changing their behaviour.

How to Starve a Narcissist: The Power of Emotional Detachment

To deal with a narcissist, you need to stop feeding their need for attention and validation. Here’s how:

• Practise emotional disengagement: Go "no contact" or be like a grey rock—plain, uninteresting, and non-reactive.

• Don’t feed the drama: Narcissists thrive on attention, so the less you engage, the less fuel they have to control you.

• Stay calm and composed: Don’t react emotionally to their provocations.

What Healthy Looks Like: The Green Flags

Green Flags in a Relationship

On the flip side, healthy relationships are marked by mutual respect, open communication, and genuine care. Look for these signs:

• A partner who listens without interrupting.

• Someone who respects your boundaries.

• A person who celebrates your achievements and encourages your growth.

• They value your independence and never try to control or manipulate you.

FAQs About Red Flags in Relationships

1. What are some red flags that are easy to miss?
   Subtle red flags might include constant jokes at your expense that leave you feeling small, frequent "harmless" lies that undermine trust, or always being blamed for how your partner feels. These signs can be easily brushed off but are often indicative of deeper issues.

2. I recognise red flags but feel stuck in the relationship. What can I do if I don’t have support or can’t afford therapy?
   Start small by journaling your thoughts and feelings to gain clarity. Consider joining online support groups or communities where you can share anonymously and get advice. Sometimes, just writing out your situation on a forum or blog can help you see patterns or gain insights you hadn’t noticed before.

3. What should I do if my partner is nice most of the time, but has moments of intense anger or manipulation?
   Notice how these moments make you feel and document them. Often, partners with controlling tendencies can flip between kindness and anger to keep you guessing and off-balance. Ask yourself: Are you always walking on eggshells, wondering when the next outburst will come? It's essential to pay attention to these patterns, not just the nice moments in between.

4. How do I stop myself from always making excuses for their behaviour?
   Give yourself a challenge: For every excuse you make for their behaviour, write down two realistic reasons why that behaviour is unacceptable. Keep a tally for a week, and notice if you’re making more excuses than acknowledging the red flags. This exercise can help shift your perspective from defending their actions to recognising what’s really going on.

5. What if I notice red flags but am financially dependent on my partner?
   Start planning small steps toward independence. Look into free community resources, local job boards, online freelancing, or skill-building platforms. Even setting aside a small amount of money each week can help you build a sense of security. Reach out to charities or organisations that offer financial advice or support for people in similar situations.

6. My partner makes me feel guilty whenever I bring up concerns. Is that a red flag?
   Yes, guilt-tripping is a classic form of emotional manipulation. It’s designed to shift the focus away from the real issue and make you feel responsible for your partner's feelings. Ask yourself: Is your partner genuinely engaging in a conversation, or are they trying to silence you with guilt?

7. Can red flags show up in friendships or family relationships?
   Absolutely! Red flags like controlling behaviour, lack of respect, or emotional manipulation can show up in any relationship. For example, a friend who always needs you but is never there for you or a family member who dismisses your achievements or belittles your choices.

8. How do I deal with red flags if I can’t just leave the relationship?
   Set small, firm boundaries. It doesn’t have to be a dramatic confrontation; it can be as simple as saying, "I need some time to myself today," or not responding immediately to negative messages. You don’t need permission to create space for yourself.

9. I’ve recognised a red flag but feel scared to speak up. What should I do?
   Start by rehearsing what you want to say in front of a mirror or record it on your phone. Hearing your voice can help build confidence. If speaking face-to-face feels too daunting, consider writing a letter or message to express your feelings.

10. What if I keep ending up with partners who display red flags?
    This could mean there’s a pattern in your choices—perhaps a comfort in the familiar, even when it’s unhealthy. Reflect on past relationships and identify what drew you in. Think about what needs or fears these partners might have been fulfilling. Understanding your patterns is the first step toward changing them.

Understanding the Spectrum

People aren’t defined by their actions alone; they’re shaped by their willingness to grow, learn, and repair. While some behaviours are more damaging than others, it’s important to distinguish between a person who is capable of self-awareness, empathy, and change, and someone whose patterns suggest a more deeply ingrained issue.

Trust Your Instincts

Ultimately, recognising red flags isn't about paranoia or avoiding relationships; it’s about understanding your worth and refusing to settle for less than you deserve. Trust your instincts and remember that real love doesn’t require you to sacrifice your self-worth. It's about two people working on themselves, side by side, towards a healthier, more fulfilling connection.